Hey God,
I’ve stared at this for several minutes trying to figure out what to say to You. How can I have nothing to say? How long has it been since we really talked? Longer than me just venting in the car about my day. Longer than me just begging you for peace or feeling or happiness. Long enough to actually talk with you about this never-ending depression that seems to hit so hard these days.
It’s as though I’ve gotten used to the daily job of avoiding any conversation that will actually require me to talk about how I’m doing. This includes conversations with You, despite the necessity and the fact that it may actually help me to feel better. People are just so overly exhausting. I can only put on a face for so long before I feel the need to hide in bed and just disappear.
I’ve gotten pretty used to telling people how busy I am and that I almost have no time to myself. It was believable through grad school, but now it’s not a good response. I’ll have to find another way to hide from others. I always think that it’s laziness, but I know it’s not. Laziness doesn’t keep me feeling numb or wanting to escape. It’s just this giant weight of something on me…and there are days where I wonder if it will ever go away.
God, I know I’ve felt Your presence so deeply before in my life. I remember being afraid to fall asleep, terrified that someone was going to get me, only to physically feel your arms wrapped around me, keeping me safe. Even last week, as I sat at my desk terrified about a case that seems above my head, you brought me peace after begging for it multiple times. But I just find myself feeling so empty that nothing will fill that void.
Everything I say to You seems meaningless. It’s all been discussed before: the depression, the anxiety, everything in my past…all of it just seems redundant to discuss. Yet it all just ebbs and flows. I can feel spectacular and be moving forward, or I can move back and focus on the past again. I just want clarity in life. I want to see everything clearly, especially You. So often I see You as this being in the sky who watches everything happening on earth and only intercedes when asked. It’s hard for me to remember that You’re right here with me. That what happened to me angers you as much, if not more, than it does me. That my loneliness and depression isn’t something that I need to face alone: You are here and You have given me people that care and want to help. It’s still so hard for me to reach out, though, no matter how much I need it.
God, please give me peace.
God, please give me peace.
God, please give me peace.
God, please give me peace.
God, please give me peace.
God, please give me peace.
